Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
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Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*