WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
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Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.