I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
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It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors