Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
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I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Who chose this font
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”