[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
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The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Mmmm. Shoeshi
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”