Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
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HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
spot the difference
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.