You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
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My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
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#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Imma just leave this here…………
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
this… may be the greatest story ever told