Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
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One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.