Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
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Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
he was correct
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.