Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
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*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
No. He’s not coming out to play
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.