I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
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Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Well, shit
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
It’s a gift
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*