wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
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Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Dudes named Chance never had one.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
the pigeons are already plenty salty
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really