WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
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{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Admin smashed it 😂
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!