Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
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The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.