I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
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Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Challenge accepted.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
i want to work in this restaurant
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
IT’S-A ME,
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
felt that
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Accurate
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.