If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
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Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
War & Peace
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Great acting.. 😂
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.