Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
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Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink