Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
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I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party