starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
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He a real one for that
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Me recordaron éste meme
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.