WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
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E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.