Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
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Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
ok like just. call me at this point
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.