Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
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As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity