WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
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[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
lol
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out