WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
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I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
The Compass
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.