WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
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Another interesting #factupdates post!
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.