WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
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Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send