Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
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Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.