Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
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What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it