Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
You Might Also Like
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder