[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
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“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss