[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
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*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.