My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
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barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book