Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
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me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.