If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
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I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
thanks auntie mary
I’d rather fork than spoon.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.