WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
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“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Breaking news:
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?