wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
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Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
That’s classic.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.