Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
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You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Where is your GOD now????
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!