Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
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If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
(Electricians.)
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.