Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
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That de-escalated quickly
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Same pineapple, same
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
when you order from DoorDastardly
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.