Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
You Might Also Like
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
bad
worse
worst
worchester
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.