*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
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They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.