*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
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Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.