@amishschool: Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
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@thinkingparsnip: *DJ drops the beet* ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
@ComedicBust: I joined snapchat yesterday; apparently my phone doesn't die fast enough for my liking.
@BuckyIsotope: “I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
@samuelhlowe: - Do you want to have sex? - Don't you think you're going a little too fast? - Do......you......want......to......have......sex?