Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
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I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Boom, boom, ching!
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!