@amishschool: Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called? Me: Gelt. Coworker: Guilt? Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
@stevetweeters: Oops. Everyone brought their "see you next year"s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.