Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
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The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
the greatest twitter interaction
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.