ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
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I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army