Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
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Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Guantanamo Bae
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?