*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
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NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Banking tips
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.