*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
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[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”