*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
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Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!