*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
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I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME